Maximum Beauty and Joshua
by NightChild
Summary: Beauty and the Beast - DA style!


Title: Beauty and the Beast Dark Angel Style  
  
Author: Tigerlily  
  
Notes: This is script/narrator style story. Beware through.. things aren't as they seem  
  
I know some of you might be confused 'cos I ship Max/Zack.. but read it anyway. He's in the story. If anyone wants me to write a serious version, just tell me : )  
  
I was trying to make this funny. Tell me if I succeeded. : )  
  
This is like the Musical Buffy episode hehe  
  
It's basically the same story as B&B. Because I love the Disney version so much some parts are almost exactly the same.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
1 Cast list  
  
Max- Maxelle, also known as 'Maximum Beauty  
  
Joshua- as himself also known as 'The Beast'  
  
Normal - 'Jam Pony Owner'  
  
Herbal - 'Video seller'  
  
Alec - GasAlec also known as 'Very obnoxious guy'  
  
Sketchy- LeSketchy, also known as ' LeFool'  
  
Kendra- One of GasAlec's Bimbettes  
  
Lydecker - Deckice, Maxelle's father  
  
OC - Cindrobe  
  
Logan - Logmiere, Candlestick holder. or wheelchair.. can't yet decide  
  
Bling - Blingsworth, the clock  
  
Theo's wife- Mrs Theo the teapot  
  
Little Bit - Mrs Theo's son, the cup  
  
Asha- FeatherAsha, the featherduster  
  
That cover's it for now.on with the story  
  
TEASER  
  
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young princess lived in a shining castle. Although she had everything her heart desired, the princess was spoiled, selfish, and unkind.  
  
Max: What- wait! You're making me the beast?? Hello! Look at this face! Anyways, Beauty is always female!  
  
Narrator: Well we think Joshua is slightly hotter than you. And that's sexist!  
  
Max: What? JOSHUA? Dogboy Joshua? AHHHHH!! I QUIT!  
  
Narrator: You can't quit! I own your ass!  
  
Max: No you don't! James Cameron and Charles Eglee do you moron!  
  
Disney: Yeah and we own Beauty and the Beast!  
  
Ummm.. I guess that was my disclaimer. Don't sue me you'll just end up with less money than you started either way.  
  
On with the story. : )  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
TEASER:  
  
(a progression of shadow hand puppets illustrates the narration)  
  
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman called Renfro came to the castle and offered him a credit card in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.  And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal an even uglier enchantress. The prince was blinded by her ugliness. "You think this is the worse I can do?" she screeched. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous Joshua and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there.  Ashamed of his monstrous form, Joshua concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The credit card she had offered him was truly an enchanted credit card. A single digit would disappear from the 12 number barcode every year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last digit vanished, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain Joshua for all time.  As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love Joshua?  
  
(Joshua shreds his portrait)  
  
The camera slowly zooms out from the castle and we see the title.  
  
MAXIMUM BEAUTY AND THE JOSHUA  
  
ACT 1  
  
(Maxelle singing as she looks down on Seatle from the Space Needle)  
  
MAXELLE:  
  
Little city, it's a quiet city  
  
Every day like the one before  
  
Little city, full of little people  
  
Waking up to say-  
  
Cityfolk: Will you shut up! It's 3 in the morning! Can't I get some sleep here?  
  
MAXELLE:: Oh. Sorry. I'll try again at 0600  
  
Cityfolk: NO!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
ACT 1 (Morning in Seatle)  
  
Maxelle riding her bike through the city streets.  
  
Cityfolk: Hey you!  
  
Woman: Stop thief!  
  
Man: Hey baby. Wanna play?  
  
Maxelle arriving at Jam Pony singing:  
  
There goes Normal with his earphones like always  
  
The same old packages to sell  
  
Every morning just the same  
  
Since the morning that I came  
  
To this poor urban city  
  
Normal: Maxelle, where the fire-truck have you been?  
  
Maxelle: Good morning monsieur  
  
Normal: Why are you speaking French?  
  
Hey! Where do you think you're going?  
  
Max: To the video-shop  
  
I just finished the most wonderful video about  
  
A beanstalk and an ogre and a.  
  
Normal: Jack and the beanstalk?  
  
That's nice. Cindy! The packages. Bip, Bip, Bip  
  
Cityfolk:  
  
Look there she goes that girl is  
  
weird no question.  
  
Dated and distracted can't you tell?  
  
Never part of any crowd, 'cos her head's up on some cloud (literally)  
  
No denying she's a weirdo that Maxelle  
  
(MAXELLE enters the bookshop)  
  
HERBAL (video seller): Ah, Maxelle, mon  
  
MAXELLE: Good morning. I've come to return the book I borrowed.  
  
HERBAL  
  
(Putting the book back on the shelf)  
  
Jah finished already?  
  
MAXELLE: Oh, I couldn't stop watching it! Have you got anything new?  
  
HERBAL: (laughing)  
  
Like the prophets say. not since yesterday.  
  
MAXELLE: (on ladder of videoshelf)  
  
That's all right. I'll borrow... this one.  
  
HERBAL: That one? But you've watched it twice!  
  
MAXELLE: Well it's my favorite!  
  
(MAXELLE swings off side of ladder, rolling down it's track)  
  
Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!  
  
HERBAL: (handing her the book)  
  
Well sister, if jah like it that much, its yours.  
  
MAXELLE: But sir!  
  
HERBAL: I insist! I' a instrument of the most high.  
  
MAXELLE: Well thank you. Thank you very much!  
  
(leaves videoshop)  
  
HERBAL: I was going to throw that out anyway. The brother can show a bit of charity.  
  
MEN: (looking in window, then turning to watch Maxelle  
  
Look there she goes  
  
That girl is so peculiar!  
  
I wonder if she's feeling well!  
  
WOMEN: With a dreamy far-off look!  
  
MEN: And her nose stuck. just stuck up!  
  
ALL What a puzzle to the rest of us is Maxelle!  
  
MAXELLE sits on the edge of a high-rise singing to the pedestrians walking below  
  
MAXELLE: Oh! Isn't this amazing!  
  
It's my favorite part because, you'll see!  
  
Here's where she saves Prince Charming  
  
But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three!  
  
MAXELLE: Woah, why am I singing? Must be an evil Manticore ploy for me to kill people with subliminal messages.  
  
NARRATOR: I think Maxelle has been watching too many episodes of the X- FILES folks  
  
* at Manticore *  
  
MANTICORE PEOPLE: Sir, it's working! People who have heard her singing are dropping dead like flies!  
  
* Back in Seatle *  
  
WOMAN 5: Now it's no wonder that her name means 'maximum beauty. Her looks have got no parellel!  
  
MERCHANT: But behind those curly locks  
  
I'm afraid is L'oreal  
  
Very different from the rest of us, Maxelle  
  
ALL: She's nothing like the rest of us  
  
Yes different from the rest of us is Maxelle  
  
PIGEONS flying overhead, one is shot and plummets to the ground. LESKETCHY runs over, holds out the bag, and misses catching the prize. He returns to GASALEC)  
  
LESKETCHY:Wow! You didn't miss a shot, GasAlec! You're the  
  
greatest slingshot in the whole world!  
  
GASALEC: I know!  
  
LESKETCHY: Huh. No beast alive under a foot stands a chance against  
  
you...and no girl for that matter!  
  
GASALEC: It's true, LeSketchy and I've got my sights set on that one!  
  
(pointing to MAXELLE)  
  
LESKETCHY:: The Torturor's daughter?  
  
GASALEC: She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to become breeding partners with!  
  
LESKETCHY: But she's--  
  
GASALEC: The most beautiful girl in town.  
  
LESKETCHY: I know--  
  
GASALEC: And that makes her the best breeder. And don't I deserve the best?  
  
LESKETCHY: Well of course, I mean you do, but I mean...  
  
GASALEC: Right from the moment when I met her, saw her,  
  
I said she's gorgeous and I fell (literally)  
  
Here in town there's only she  
  
(MAXELLE walks by and away)  
  
Who is beautiful as me  
  
So I'm making plans to woo and breed with Maxelle  
  
BIMBETTES: Look there he goes, isn't he dreamy  
  
Monsieur GasAlec, oh he's so cute  
  
Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing  
  
He's such a tall, dark, witty and handsome brute  
  
(MAXELLE walks easily through the crowd of people in the city streets  
  
GASALEC struggles to catch up to her)  
  
MAN 1: Hey!  
  
GASALEC: Sorry  
  
MAN 2: Brute!  
  
MAN 3: Stop pushing  
  
WOMAN 1: Get away from me!  
  
WOMAN 2: OH! Feeler!  
  
MAN 4: Watch it!  
  
WOMAN 3: Pervert!  
  
MAN 4: What's the idea  
  
GASALEC: 'scuse me!  
  
MAN 4: I'll get the knife!  
  
GASALEC: Please let me through!  
  
WOMAN 4: This bread!  
  
MAN 5: Those fish!  
  
WOMAN 4: It's stale!  
  
MAN 5: You smell!  
  
MAN 6: I'm gone  
  
MAXELLE: There must be more than this urban life!  
  
ALL: Well maybe so...  
  
GASALEC: Just watch I'm going to make Maxelle my breeder!  
  
(TOWNSFOLK gather around GASALEC, and eventually surround him)  
  
ALL: Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special  
  
A most peculiar hottie  
  
It's a pity and a sin  
  
She doesn't quite fit in!  
  
GROUP 1: But she really is a weirdo  
  
GROUP 2: A beauty but a weirdo  
  
ALL: She really is a weirdo! That Maxelle!  
  
**End of Song**  
  
GASALEC: Hello, Maxelle.  
  
MAXELLE: Get out of my way. GasAlec.  
  
(GASALEC grabs the book from MAXELLE)  
  
MAXELLE: GasAlec! Give it back!  
  
GASALEC: How can you watch this? There's no bloodshed or sex!  
  
MAXELLE: That's not all that's worth watching  
  
GASALEC: Maxelle, it's about time you got your head out of those videos  
  
(tossing video into the mud)  
  
and paid attention to more important things...like me! The whole town's talking about it!  
  
(The BIMBETTES, who are looking on, sigh. MAXELLE  
  
has picked up the book and is cleaning off the mud)  
  
It's not right for a woman to watch videos--soon she starts getting ideas... and thinking.  
  
MAXELLE: GasAlec, you are male chauvinist pig!  
  
GASALEC: (Putting his hand around her shoulders)  
  
Why thank you, Maxelle. Hey, whaddya say you and me take a walk over to  
  
the tavern and you give me a lap dance?  
  
MAXELLE: I'd rather clean toilet bowls with my perky L'oreal hair!  
  
KENDRA: What's wrong with her?  
  
LESKETCHY: She's crazy!  
  
KENDRA: He's gorgeous!  
  
MAXELLE: GasAlec, if you don't get out of my way you're going to find your vital organs on Ebay. I've gotta go and help my dad.  
  
LESKETCHY: Ha ha ha, that crazy old loon, he need all the help he can get!  
  
(GASALEC and LESKETCHY laugh heartily)  
  
MAXELLE: Don't you talk about my father that way!  
  
GASALEC: Yeah, don't talk about her father that way!  
  
(He conks LESKETCHY on the head.)  
  
MAXELLE: My father's not crazy! He's a genius with long sharp pointy objects!  
  
(A scream of pain in the background.  GASALEC and LESKETCHY continue  
  
laughing.  MAXELLE rushes home and descends into the basement.)  
  
MAXELLE: Papa?  
  
DECKICE: How on earth did that happen? Goddamn it!  
  
(He pulls down his pants)  
  
MAXELLE: Are you all right, Papa?  
  
DECKICE: I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk!  
  
(kicking machine)  
  
MAXELLE: You always say that.  
  
DECKICE: I mean it, this time. I'll never get this stupid f*&@#$! piece of sh*t to work!  
  
MAXELLE: Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the Torture convention tomorrow  
  
DECKICE: Hmmmph!  
  
MAXELLE: ...and become a world famous inventor of torture tools!  
  
DECKICE: You really believe that?  
  
MAXELLE: I always have.  
  
DECKICE: Well, what are we waiting for. I'll have this thing fixed in no time.  
  
(sliding under machine)  
  
Hand me that dog-legged clencher there... So, did you have a good time in town today?  
  
MAXELLE: I got a new video. Papa, do you think I'm odd?  
  
DECKICE: My daughter? Odd? *mutters under breath * Duh!*  
  
(Appears from under machine with bizarre goggle contraption on his head distorting his eyes) I mean.where would you get an idea like that?  
  
MAXELLE: Oh, I don't know. It's just I'm not sure I fit in here.  There's no one I can really talk to.  
  
DECKICE: What about that GasAlec? He's a handsome fellow!  
  
MAXELLE: He's handsome all right, and rude and conceited and...Oh Papa, he's not for me!  
  
DECKICE: What do you mean? He's just like you!  
  
(Comes out from under machine)  
  
I think that's done it. Now, let's give it a try. Come here Maxelle  
  
(Maxelle sits in the chair and he puts a lip stretching device on her!  
  
MAXELLE: It works! I'm so pouty!  
  
DECKICE: It does? It does! That is the ultimate torture! Imagine seeing that for an hour every week!  
  
MAXELLE: You did it! You really did it!  
  
DECKICE: Lend me your ninja, girl. No? Okay, then I'll have to take this horse, Walter. I'm off to the Torture Convention!  
  
(The sight of Maxelle's poutiness knocks him out)  
  
DECKICE: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Omph  
  
END OF ACT 1  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Not exactly the most brilliant piece of writing.. don't think Disney's about to replace their version with mine.. but  
  
Well.. tell me what you think (  
  
I hope that was okay. 


End file.
